A Personal Note About Modesty

The following only addresses females with the vocation of marriage. Rather, females with the possibility that their vocation is marriage.

Now, I am frequently in traddy circles going to trad Masses. I also went to one of the more orthodox Catholic colleges out there. The topic of modesty has come up a lot.

To understand where I am on modesty, you really need to understand what I've seen and where I've come from. Unfortunately, I've swung on both sides of the pendulum and seen the harmful effects on each side as well. I was public schooled and raised a politically correct version of Baptist. My parents are good people, but they believed that it's important to allow your children to experience everything for themselves. They very rarely said anything about my clothing typical for young girls my age (my mom did however, tell me she wouldn't buy me this shirt that showed waaay too much). I didn't wear anything horribly scandalous, but lets just say there are a few pictures of my summer wear in high school that I hope my future children (God willing) never see. The fact is I never intentionally presented myself as an object of lust, but that doesn't mean I wore the best.

Then, I became Catholic. I decided that all of my clothing other than my t-shirts and jeans were to be destroyed and the scraps thrown away. Months later, tired of the t-shirts, I went out with the girls in pursuit of some modest but somewhat stylish clothing. I showed my Catholic boyfriend and he was appalled, claiming that my nice casual shirt (that had a high neckline and covered low enough, too) was immodest because he could see part of my body shape. It was not tight by any means, but because he could tell I was a girl at a glance, he wanted me to return it. Ridiculous. In the end he realized that there was nothing objectively wrong with it and any personal problems he had with it he just had to overcome himself.

Ladies. If your boyfriend/friend/fiance/whatever has a problem because you were something that has no objective or prudential problem to it, that's not your problem. I heard a guy once tell me that he finds it tempting when a girl wears a knee length skirt (*note* as a general rule, avoiding these conversations is a positive thing). Does that mean we should go back to Victorian times? What does objective or prudential problem mean? Continue reading.

So I transferred to my Catholic college where during the spring, most women wear skirts at least sometimes. There were very few times in my five years there that I saw any huge problem with clothing. I can think of three right now. Blissful paradise when it comes to clothing, right? NO! People there are OBSESSED with making sure people follow the "spirit of the university clothing policy." One friend wore a fishnet poncho over a cami (a tank top with thin, often adjustable, straps). She was RAILED. Yes, I'll agree that she shouldn't have worn something that showed a (a little of her) bra strap on campus, but she would have gotten the same response for wearing anything but a full t-shirt underneath. But the fact is if she wore that outside our campus, no one would have noticed except to say, "Oh, hey, that's a cute poncho..." or "that girl's got a fun style." Another example: a girl was told she was not allowed to wear footie pajamas (one piece pajamas that literally cover everything except hands and neck-up) in the common areas because "guys might think she's naked underneath her clothes."

After 3 years of being Catholic, my spiritual life went into a bit of a lull for a bit. It was after this that I discovered the Latin Mass. It changed my life and, similar to my conversion experience, I wanted to purge all the evil from my life once more. I had always loved wearing long skirts, but I started wearing them on principle. I ransacked thrift stores for their longest, in some cases ugliest, skirts that my short frame could stand. I'm not going to lie, I think I managed to make some of those skirts work a lot better than most. I noticed that if you fair a "grandmother" skirt with a cute top... you can make it work. I claimed that my increase in wardrobe was a dedication to simplicity. I painfully got rid of my ridiculously cute denim jacket that I had searched for literally a year to find. I got rid of my jeans because they didn't fit and were developing holes. I didn't replace them because (just like every other girl I know) it's hard to find jeans that fit well. After a while, though, I stopped wearing pants altogether. I then started to obsess about the length of my skirts. I am quite vertically challenged so I have to be more careful than some and basically find that going just above the knee is my limit for modesty (I have a tall friend who can wear a skirt that's 5 inches above her knee and still look completely modest! **jealousy**). Note how modesty has some subjective standards.

My wardrobe consisted of around 35 different skirts. These were flowy skirts, pencil skirts (only long), a-line skirts, you name it, I probably had it. I started giving away tops that were "too tight" on me (closer and closer to the standards I corrected in my former boyfriend years before). I started getting rid of my knee length and A-line (usually right at the knee) for modesty reasons. I remember one time I almost got rid of a favorite skirt of mine because it was flowy and if I spun around it went above my knees. I realized at that point that this was starting to get ridiculous. I honestly believed, though, that I was doing this for the sake of God and modesty, so I couldn't stop.

Then, I really don't know what spurred this, James and I (just friends then) began discussing how ridiculous trad Catholics can be in their standards for "modesty." He told me that on one pilgrimage someone pointed out the only girl wearing jeans and said, "You can tell she hasn't been one of us for very long" referring specifically to the jeans. He pointed out how standards of modesty really depend on your geographical location. Example: Africa. It is not considered immodest for women to go around wearing nothing but a small sash around their waist. It's just what people are used to. Even in this country, I think most devout Catholics living in Texas would agree that a tank top (that's high enough up top and low enough on the bottom) would be completely modest! These conversations took a few weeks to sink in, but I finally realized that it is acceptable for me to embrace some sense of style as a devout, practicing, even traditional Catholic! I now feel comfortable presenting myself as a stylish and still modest individual.

There are a few distinctions that need to be made:
1. Just because something is modest does not mean it's appropriate for Sunday Mass of Holy Days of Obligation. Example: those nice and modest tank tops I mentioned earlier. Wearing these to Sunday Mass  of HDOs would or at least should be considered disrespectful, even considering today's standards (using a cami as an undershirt is fine, though). Case in point: Men's shorts. I have never heard of a complaint about immodesty in men's shorts (though it wouldn't surprise me to hear of one). They are never appropriate for Sunday Mass or HDOs. (note the distinction between Sunday Mass and Daily Mass... I basically think that if it's alright to wear it to the grocery store, it should most likely be decent enough for Daily Mass. If not, the restrictions are definitely lighter than Sunday Mass).

2. Attractive does not mean sexual. I can dress to look like a woman. I can be stylish, I can look appealing to a man in a non-sexual way. If I am wearing something that covers what needs to be covered and is not obviously too tight, I should not fear it being immodest. No matter how stylish.

3. Immodest is different than imprudent. Immodest means something objectively wrong to wear. Imprudent means that it's likely to cause problems for those who struggle with temptation. There is room for leeway with some imprudent outfits, but there is never any excuse for immodest.

4. What we teach our little boys are immodest are going to be understood as immodest to them. What I mean is if I were to teach my sons that bare shoulders are sexual and not to look at them, then their minds are going to gravitate to sexual things if they see a woman with bare shoulders (which are everywhere). If we teach boys that ankles are sexual, they are going to think that ankles are sexual. If we teach them that you shouldn't look at a woman's left pinkie finger because it's sexual then he's going to think a woman's left pinkie finger is sexual. Consider Muslim countries. They teach men that everything about women is sexual. Women have to wear burkas which cover everything except a small slit for the eyes. I hear people are trying to pass legislation that only one eye can be uncovered, because it is too sexual to show both eyes.

A few suggested guidelines for girls:
1. Avoid midriffs like the plague. The plague is bad... very bad. I've never known a guy to not have a problem with midriffs. However, this would be considered imprudent rather than immodest. However, even slight midriffs can be very, very imprudent depending on the circumstances.

2. Bare shoulders, tank tops, tube tops (with no bare midriff) should be fine as long as there is no cleavage or bra straps showing. (**note** those "invisible" bra straps are made of such shiny plastic that you're not fooling anyone**)

3. Shorts and skirts should be considered carefully. Find the shortest length that flatters your body shape but doesn't show too much and commit to never going shorter. If you are growing, keep in mind your changing shape.

4. If you feel circulation rushing into your legs when you take off a pair of jeans, they're too tight. Other than that, I can't think of any concrete regulations. Find standards that you are comfortable with wearing, and you're comfortable with other people seeing you in.

5. It is generally accepted among Catholics that cleavage should be avoided. When it's very slight it can be a prudence issue. When it's anythign more than very slight, it's a modesty issue. Keep in mind that guys taller than you can see more than you think they can.

A very broad general guideline is that if the outfit makes the average American go "woooahhh..." (not in a good way) then it's a bad thing.

Advice to parents:
(I'm not counselor, I have no kids, but these seem at least like good ideas, and I am a daughter)

1. Heavily guard against immodesty, but be cautious about correcting imprudence. Pick your battles with imprudence because if you push your authority too hard, it's likely that she'll not take your authority seriously.

2. Be careful to not put your personal preferences as guidelines for modesty. If you have a problem with something she wears because of your personal preference, tell her your concerns and only address them as your concerns. If she's wearing something immodest tell her, but be sure to provide a good explanation that it's actually immodest.

3. Don't be afraid to let your daughter look attractive. If her vocation is marriage you want her to attract men. Okay, not when she's 12, but later in life. It's a good sign of her vocation if she wants to be attractive even at 12.